How loving my body saved my life.

I don't remember the exact day I started getting heart palpitations but it was early 2002.  In January (January 2 to be exact), I started what would be my last diet. When I say diet, I mean consuming fewer calories than my body needed. After failing repeatedly on Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, and Nutrisystem, in 1998 I gave low-carb a try. Low carb was my most successful diet. I almost never cheated and I lost 40lbs and kept it off for a year. I was pleased with my weight loss and hoped for more. I ignored the beginnings of GERD, that my cholesterol was at the high side of normal, the massive sugar crashes, dreams about eating bread, obsession with carbs (the diet required eating two no-carb meals, and one meal with a carbs that had to be eaten in an hour),  and what I can only call fun filled nights of heart palpitations. 

However after losing weight I stopped at 40 pounds. I weighed about 190 lbs which was still considered obese. And nothing I would did would restart the weight loss. I was also bored by my limited food choices. (The doctors who wrote the diet, recommended eating a salad before the carb meal.) Eventually the cheating started going into high gear. And when I say cheating, it wasn't just eating more carbs, I began bingeing on unhealthy crap. 

But in my mind, I thought low carb was the answer. After all failing many times at other diets, I had been somewhat successful on this one.

So back to early 2002, after the low carb failure, I went to the no-carb diet, Atkins which I had been doing for a few weeks. Again I was pleased. I was losing weight again. 

Then I tried going to sleep. 

My heart felt like it was going to explode. I felt like it was pounding, skipping a beat, and struggling. I went to the emergency room. They couldn't find anything wrong. I went to a cardiologist who discovered I have a slightly prolapsed value, but after an echo, ekg, halter monitor, everything looked okay. He put me on a beta blocker.  My gastroenterologist diagnosed me with GERD and put me on nexium.  (Actually he told me Atkins was crazy but I should still lose weight.)

But I still couldn't sleep and my heart kept me up. I was terrified it was going to stop in the night which made it race even more.  I was doing Atkins induction where you eat 20 grams of carbs or less to get your body in ketosis. (I never got to full ketosis) so I moved out of the induction phase to next one where you could have some carbs. 

The heart palpitations went away, so did the weight loss. Then I realized it. This wasn't healthy. I was now on two medications. This crazy dieting had to stop, it wasn't helping me.  

So I stopped. However this time around I didn't binge as much. This time around I had something different. Body acceptance. 

I've toyed around with body acceptance since I was in college. It was always in the back of my mind. Picking up Marilyn Wann's book in 2001 helped even more. I realized dieting had possibly done irreversible damage to my body. I knew that going to sleep with a dread of not walking up and now being on two medications I didn't previously need that dieting and this obsessiveness with weight loss would kill me. I know that I had to (a) stop dieting and learn actual healthy habits and (b) learn to love and accept that I am fat.

I knew that giving up dieting did not mean I had to give up being healthy. I didn't celebrate the end of dieting with a huge cake. I had to relearn how to eat, because my eating had become so disordered that when I wasn't dieting, I was eating fast and too much. (As if my body didn't think it would ever get food again.) I started to learn to listen to my body. Eat the foods it liked and avoid foods it didn't.  I eventually got off the Beta-Blocker and moved from Nexium to an antacid and herbal remedies which have improved GERD's greatly. (I am hoping to stop taking the antacids eventually); I rarely eat more than my body can handle and I am slowly but surely learning to eat normally again. (I don't know if I ever will.)

Every time I get the temptation to diet again, I think about the nights on Atkins where I wasn't sure I would wake up.  Because thinking that you are dying isn't healthy.  Listening to and loving your body is.

Comments

[Lesleigh Owen]

Thanks for bravely sharing this story, Lara. How much healthier you must feel now, having come to honor your body! I know I, for one, am thrilled you're so abundantly, joyfully, beautifully embodied.

[Dr. Deah Schwartz]

Thanks for posting this! And I love your book!

[Marilyn Wann]

Brilliant riposte!

[notblueatall]

Fabulous post! I love hearing how people found acceptance. <3

[The Well-Rounded Mama]

Thank you for your bravery in sharing this story.

As for reflux, many cases can be greatly improved with acupuncture, if you are open to that.

[DivaJean]

Atkins is certainly not for everyone.

My life partner was on it for several months and nearly went into renal failure since she was spilling so much protein (what they term "success" in getting to the ketosis you never got to).

When she started it, I told her I would support her in her choices, but I would not necessarily follow along. In hearing your experience and living thru hers, I thank my lucky stars I hung on to my conviction.

[Six week body makeover]

wow! going to emergency room because of not eating carbs? really?? did you drink coffee that day or take any caffeine pills, because this would explain))

[Angelpirate]

Thank you so much for writing this. I too have a hard time accepting myself as I am and have tried dieting to excess. You are so encouraging that you have found that acceptance.

[The Well-Rounded Mama]

I didn't see this originally, but saw it from your more recent post about it. Thank you for sharing your Atkins experience. I also tried a low-carb approach briefly (not to lose weight but to deal with PCOS) and couldn't believe how horrible I felt on it. Not heart palpitations but really really awful. I'm not a fan of these ultra-low carb approaches. Bleah.

BTW, the best thing I found for GERD was acupuncture. I totally did NOT expect that to work for me but it's been amazingly helpful. No meds, no need to restrict food, no antacids, just very occasionally get the point re-done. It does take a few treatments to really kick in, and I did find that the treatments intensified the symptoms for a day or two before they started kicking them, but once past that phase, it totally made a HUGE difference. Can't believe how much better I feel now.....something to consider anyhow.