Until I began dating my husband Jon, I was certain I was going to I was going to die an old maid. I had piss poor very brief relationships either with idiots or assholes.
I meet Jon in college. We were both members of the English Club. Jon was a computer/sci-fi geek and I wrote poetry about death. (Seriously, I was known as Miss Death and people would yell out death, death when I got on the stage at monthly poetry readings.) In the beginning Jon and I were friends. I was painfully shy and certain that no man would want a relationship with a fat girl. (There were in fact 2 or 3 men in college that liked me but didn't want a relationship), but I was hung up on getting into a relationship like my other friends hopefully with someone good looking.
I think that I set off two vibes, one I was ashamed of my body, and two, I didn't think a fat girl deserved anything. I was absolutely sure from the ages of 14 to 23, if I lost weight I would find a guy.
After college Jon went to Japan for two years and I went to Graduate School. I had no boyfriends in this time, except someone I sort of fooled around with and someone who met me, talked to me, seemed to like me, then for some reason backed off.
During every fling, date, or episode of "just friends making out" I dieted, and was ashamed of my body. It never occurred to me that it wasn't the fat that turned people off but the low self-esteem and belief I could diet my way to a good relationship.
Jon and I really didn't stay in touch during those two years but we shared a best friend. She was having a baby and wanted us to be the godparents. When Jon came back from Japan, I happed to be in a period of not dieting. It was after I realized Weight Watchers was never going to work and I haven't yet been introduced to low carb. I was still convinced thin was in, but that belief was beginning to wane. I started to think maybe I wasn't meant to be thin. In fact I began to learn to love my body and accept it.
It's no surprise that soon after Jon came home, we hooked up. Jon was funny, good looking, had an easy going nature, and could tolerate both my shyness especially around my body and my quirky sense of humor.
We dated causal at first, then it got more serious. We eventually married in 2000. Jon was not only my husband but my first long term relationship. He doesn't like it when I say it, but my relationship with him is the one part of my life that came out as I wanted. I've always been glad that he tolerated my low self-esteem. He is one of the few people I have no problem parading around naked in front of. Jon loves my boobs and he loves to squeeze me. He likes big women and he never hates a person for how they look.
I'm in the process of reading Fat Sex by Rebecca Jane Weinstein. The book isn't about Fat Sex per se, but instead fat people talking about sex. (I'd suggest Big Big Love by Hanne Blank as a good guide to actual fat sex.)
In the book there is a chapter about an FA who is often ribbed about his love for big women. I laughed because none of Jon's friends have ever ribbed him for me and he never ever thinks of me as an embarrassment. I'm sure the beautiful people laugh at us but neither of us care.
The object of this post isn't that fat women can snag a man. Yes, they can. There are plenty of men who like big women or prefer personality over looks. The point here was it was the low self-esteem that turned off men. That in order to be loved, you have to learn to love yourself first.